A co-worker of mine had an interesting idea on my last day of work. She thought I should record my feelings before I leave so that I have something to look back on. I know that I have shared feelings about the trip here and there, but I think she has a good idea to make an entire post about it so I can look back and see how they changed.
To be honest though, I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Months ago and prior I was ecstatic. Until last Monday and for the few weeks prior to that, I was getting anxiety about the trip and getting nostalgic about weird things. But now, I'm just kinda even keel. Maybe, it's the calm before the store because I'm not really thinking that much about it in the abstract sense. I'm thinking about it, because I have to, in the line-by-line to do sense. Change addresses for all my financial institutions, get travelers checks, make copies of important documents, get this, do that. It's keeping me pretty busy and if you add in time to see people I care about before I leave, well, I don't have much leisure time. I tried yesterday to sit in the sun (it was 75 degrees!), have a beer, look at the mountains, and just let my mind wander, but that lasted about 3 minutes because my mom came home from work and I had to do this and that again.
I guess, when I actually do get a little break to contemplate things, what I find is this...
- I regret not getting more things done further in advance. Selling things at the last minute resulted in zero success. Even something nice like a leather couch takes longer than I gave myself from moving out of my old place. I ended up giving away things that I could have sold with more time. Not to mention, getting more shit done in advance of the last minute would have lowered stress levels and probably given me leisure time for the non-working days till I leave.
- I am still a little stressed. Less about getting all the to dos done, and more about money that I am owed. I am owed vacation pay and a day of work from my job. I'm not sure if that is supposed to come in via direct deposit, or if they are going to send a paper check. Guess that would have been good to figure out before my last day at work. I know I still can, I just need to add it to the list of crap to do. Also, there is the $3,500 I'm owed from a friend. Kinda counting on that for this trip.
- I am sad. I am going to miss a lot of people and a lot of activities/events that I really enjoy. I am a little nostalgic still when I here people talking about future events that I used to participate in. Things like rodeo, or Sunday Fundays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, sports, making plans about ski season, my yearly week in San Diego, happy hours with friends, and so on. I get a little sad even though I know it's just a year (?) and I'm only missing it once. I'm going to miss so many people (a few especially hard). It just sucks, cause I feel like I am a little homesick and I haven't even left yet.
- Am I excited? It's tough to call it that. It's as if the excitement was a child and it has grown up. Now, it's "I'm ready and I'm just waiting". The novelty of what I am doing has worn off. It's no longer this crazy pipe dream, it's real and so close I can't help but feel like I am practically already on it. It's like when you are on a road trip and see your destination in the distance. You get a rush of excitement and can't stop thinking about all the things your going to do. By the time you actually get into the destination and settled, that excitement has transformed from all the possibilities to practicalities or accomplishing those things you came for, such as get some food or go on a hike or go to a museum. It's not that you aren't glad you're there or that you're doing it, it's just that the thrill has worn off cause it's real now. My guess is that this will reoccur when I get to the airport to go to a new destination, then wear off a little as it goes from surreal to real.
Overall, I'm very happy to be doing this and am greatly looking forward to the adventure. I know that I'm pretty good at shadowing my emotions, except being annoyed or pissed off, and I may come across during the time leading up to leaving as sad or distant, or blow off being excited. Part of that will be because I've been asked so many times how excited I am, that it really gets hard for me to keep coming across as excited as I was when I was first asked (the law of diminishing returns?). Part of that will be because I am sad for the reasons above. Just be aware that, if I don't react the way that you might expect, I have a lot going on upstairs and in my heart.
I guess, when I actually do get a little break to contemplate things, what I find is this...
- I regret not getting more things done further in advance. Selling things at the last minute resulted in zero success. Even something nice like a leather couch takes longer than I gave myself from moving out of my old place. I ended up giving away things that I could have sold with more time. Not to mention, getting more shit done in advance of the last minute would have lowered stress levels and probably given me leisure time for the non-working days till I leave.
- I am still a little stressed. Less about getting all the to dos done, and more about money that I am owed. I am owed vacation pay and a day of work from my job. I'm not sure if that is supposed to come in via direct deposit, or if they are going to send a paper check. Guess that would have been good to figure out before my last day at work. I know I still can, I just need to add it to the list of crap to do. Also, there is the $3,500 I'm owed from a friend. Kinda counting on that for this trip.
- I am sad. I am going to miss a lot of people and a lot of activities/events that I really enjoy. I am a little nostalgic still when I here people talking about future events that I used to participate in. Things like rodeo, or Sunday Fundays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, sports, making plans about ski season, my yearly week in San Diego, happy hours with friends, and so on. I get a little sad even though I know it's just a year (?) and I'm only missing it once. I'm going to miss so many people (a few especially hard). It just sucks, cause I feel like I am a little homesick and I haven't even left yet.
- Am I excited? It's tough to call it that. It's as if the excitement was a child and it has grown up. Now, it's "I'm ready and I'm just waiting". The novelty of what I am doing has worn off. It's no longer this crazy pipe dream, it's real and so close I can't help but feel like I am practically already on it. It's like when you are on a road trip and see your destination in the distance. You get a rush of excitement and can't stop thinking about all the things your going to do. By the time you actually get into the destination and settled, that excitement has transformed from all the possibilities to practicalities or accomplishing those things you came for, such as get some food or go on a hike or go to a museum. It's not that you aren't glad you're there or that you're doing it, it's just that the thrill has worn off cause it's real now. My guess is that this will reoccur when I get to the airport to go to a new destination, then wear off a little as it goes from surreal to real.
Overall, I'm very happy to be doing this and am greatly looking forward to the adventure. I know that I'm pretty good at shadowing my emotions, except being annoyed or pissed off, and I may come across during the time leading up to leaving as sad or distant, or blow off being excited. Part of that will be because I've been asked so many times how excited I am, that it really gets hard for me to keep coming across as excited as I was when I was first asked (the law of diminishing returns?). Part of that will be because I am sad for the reasons above. Just be aware that, if I don't react the way that you might expect, I have a lot going on upstairs and in my heart.
D
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